7QTF - 7 Things Catholic Dads Say... Translated, with a BONUS!

RJ @Meant2Dad
May 1, 2015
3 min read

I often see articles entitled, "Top 10 Things a Christian or Catholic Dad Says," or better yet, "Stuff Catholic Dads Say." I gotta level. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Tom Hoopes' article, but I wonder if any of us ACTUALLY say more than 2 or 3 on one of these lists. That's the point I get it, we chuckle at the rest, politely nod at a few others. My wonder extends and I muse, "Would I actually say it that way?" I say, "No! What I'd really say is..." Then again, it's been one of those slam your fist on the table frustrating kind of days, which always creates this fun danger aura for writing. Carpals and metacarpals beware. I'm going to translate and attempt to bridge the thoughts in my head with some words that actually come forth. I'm just saying it how it is. And to all you men, and women who have men that can exercise the below restraint? A round of applause.

1. THE WORDS - "Please put the (missal/hymnal/giving envelope/insert other pew pamphlet noun here) back in the holder. TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT- "WHY DO I NEED TO REPEAT MYSELF EVERY WEEK? PUT THE BLINKING CHURCH'S BOOKS BACK IN THE HOLDERS!"

2. THE WORDS - "If you don't show me better behavior, you don't get a donut after Mass." TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT - "STOP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STOP."

3. THE WORDS - "Show me your prayer hands." TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT - "GET YOUR HANDS, FEET, HEAD, ARMS, LEGS, AND BUTT OFF YOUR BROTHER. NOW."

4. THE WORDS - "Is that a choice Jesus would make?" TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT - "You know DARN well Jesus would not be sticking his fingers in the votive candles if he was here right now. What are you thinking???"

5. THE WORDS - "It's prayer time, so stop what you're doing and please come join us now." TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT - "PUT YOUR TOYS/BOOK/VIDEO GAMES DOWN, SHUT THE TV OFF, AND MARCH YOUR BUTT OVER HERE PRONTO!"

6. THE WORDS - To wife, "Why do I even bother ordering food for myself? I just end up eating what the kids don't eat." TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT - "THESE KIDS ARE SO FREAKING UNGRATEFUL. DON'T THEY KNOW HOW MUCH THIS FOOD COST? DON'T THEY KNOW THERE'S POOR STARVING CHILDREN AROUND THE WORLD? SAY SOMETHING TO THEM. YOU'RE THEIR MOTHER! Phew, thank God I didn't actually say that out loud."

7. THE WORDS - "Please turn the lights off when you leave the room." OR "Leave some water for the fishies." TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHTS - "HEY, YOU THINK THE POWER COMPANY GIVES OUT AN AWARD FOR THE BRIGHTEST HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD? AND WHO TOUCHED THE THERMOSTAT?" OR "THE FAUCET CAN RETURN TO THE OFF POSITION. TRY IT."

(Holy Thermostat of Antioch? Anyone? Aww, c'mon I love it!)

8. BONUS WORDS (because I've actually been asked by random people the "How many kids?" question) - "Thank you for asking if our family plan includes any future additions. We'll happily accept the blessings God gives us." TRANSLATED FROM THE THOUGHT - "NEWSFLASH. SEX IS AWESOME. PROCREATING LOVE? NOTHING BETTER. YOU DON'T HEAR ME ASKING WHY YOU GOT YOUR TUBES TIED BY A BILLBOARD AD DOCTOR DO YA?"

Sorry. No gif. This is a G/PG rated blog.

Well, ok.